Mind Monologues: Will There Ever Be Enough Time?

Hey! So I’ve decided to start a new series on the blog. I’ve dabbled with a couple in the past, including My Favorite Things as well as my reoccurring playlist posts. But I figured that I needed to start one that’s well, just a little more open and flexible. I want these series to be not only something that can bring more content to the blog, but will also motivate me to write more about how I’m feeling in my mental and emotional state, week by week. Because I realize that almost every week, I have a tiny little euphoria, a small lesson I learn, or just some little experience that may seem like nothing, but makes for a takeaway for the week. These will serve as a little “brain dump” so to speak, as well as a reflection and update on what I’ve been up to — in all spheres of my life. I guess I could call this a journal entry of sorts? But more put together. And not private. So here’s my first one. Hi. Today we’re going to talk about time.

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As the season’s change, you can’t help but think about how fast time is passing by. Especially in my hometown of Cleveland, where it goes from 80 degrees to to 50 degrees in a matter of seconds, so you’re just left thinking: oh so the summer is over? just like that? I’m definitely a lover of the beginning of autumn — the sudden crispness in the air, the reunion with my favorite thrifted sweaters and the warmth of fall-themed lattes. That’s all well and good, but the passage of time never ceases to give me crippling anxiety. I’ve shared on my blog in the past how I’ve always felt a certain rush behind me when it came to my goals in life, the things I want to eventually achieve. This usually takes me away from the present, and does a number on my mental health. I know a lot of people my age feel this way. Who can focus on the present when there’s too many things to focus on in the future? The bad things, the good things, everything.

I’ve been keeping busy, though. The magazine I used to intern for has been gracious enough to provide me with some part time work and freelance opportunities, and I couldn’t me more grateful. I’m in the field I love, with an organization I feel comfortable in and oh, right — i’m getting paid to use my degree. Wild, right? I feel immensely lucky for this, and that’s why this week my takeaway has been just constantly remind myself: there’s still time. You’ll get there. But I’ve also taken some time to really reflect and try and understand where some of my frustrations are coming from. And I realized what has been really bothering me and as soon as it passed through my mind, I wrote it down. It was this:

I think one of the most frustrating things I’m dealing with lately is the fact that sometimes (most of the time) there just isn’t enough time in the day. Specifically, there isn’t enough time in the day to do what you need to do as well as what you want to do. Almost every day is a trade off.

Now I know this sounds a little cynical, but it was how I was feeling at the time. So I sat with it. And it made sense that I was frustrated, and it’s good that I’m dealing with this now because this will definitely be an aspect of life that will challenge me in the future. The constant juggling act a lot of us go through in life is a great source of anxiety and stress. Juggling what we care about, what we want to do, compared to what we need to do. Now, obviously the biggest goal in life is to get a job that is also your passion. But I’m starting to learn that comes with some strings attached as well. I want my passion to be my job, but sometimes even though I’m doing something that’s part of my passion (i.e. writing, reporting for me), I still want to do something on the side, something for me,— just me. And finding that balance is a thing that I really don’t think is ever going to be completely found, but I feel pretty positive that I’ll get better at it with time. Eventually I’ll have that dream job in my field and i’ll be able to also devote time to the things just for me.

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A couple weeks ago, before I left for my vacation to Colorado, my friend and I decided to wing it and start the podcast we’ve been thinking about starting for a while. I already had a name picked out, and I went through multiple drafts in my head and in my google drive talking about what I wanted to be about, who I would do it with, when. Deadlines came and went, and I never sat down and actually started it. Things kept popping up — freelance opportunities, part time work, adult responsibilities — you know the things that you have to do to keep yourself afloat in this life. So on one of the nights in-between all the things I had to do, my friend convinced me to do something I’ve wanted to do for a while. So at 11 p.m., with some help from my wonderful boyfriend, we recorded our first episode (which is live now!). It wasn’t perfect — we were loopy from exhaustion and still figuring out what we wanted to talk about, but damn, we did it. The weeks following I felt that similar pit in my stomach. I found myself being too tired after work to finish up the podcast, but eventually we got it done. Throughout that whole process, I kept thinking: this is too much, I just don’t have enough time.

But it’s so important to make time. And even more importantly: take your time. If there’s a project you’re working on the side from your real-life responsibilities, don’t beat yourself up too much when you don’t get it done in time. Obviously, easier said than done. Because another thing that is as fleeting as time? Money. Since our society is so centered around money, commodification and basically treating our bodies as simply a tool for financial gain, we tend to forget to do something we love is definitely worth our time. Sure, starting a podcast won’t make me money, and putting time into say, a blog series might give me less time for my responsibilities, but I’m going to try my best not to let that get me down. Now that school is out of the way, a lot of opportunities have opened up and it’s up to me to prioritize them and decide what to put my time and energy into.

So that’s my little update and reflection for the week. Now it’s time to dive into the next one. Thanks for reading! And check out the first episode of my podcast below:

WellnessArbela Capas